Tuesday, 27 January 2015

The shadow

I compare it to a shadow, for it follows you, it creeps up on you; it is only there on the brightest of days, but invisible on the darkest of days, when you want to see it.

The “it” I am describing it anxiety. My anxiety is the worst kind, where it is always there but will only attack at the best moments. I am not saying my anxiety is worse than yours because it probably isn’t but even when I sit there laughing with my friends I can feel the presence of my “shadow”, I can feel it preparing its self the hurt and damage me in the worst way it can because that what it likes to do.

Few of my friends know about anxiety because it’s it not something I generally like to broadcast to the world, except I am. Why? Because I want sympathy? Because I want to find others who suffer? Because I want to know if it is normal? I guess all of those are true but I know others suffer I am not the kind of person that seeks attention, and I know that’s it is pretty normal. Then why am I scared to tell people, I just said that it was normal so surely writing this should be easy, but no I have been trying to write this for about two months now, but I felt like people would judge would try to help me get through it, when all I really wanted is someone to talk too.

Last year I went through a spot of bother with me and my friends, and even though it has made me the person I am today and given me some truly wonderful friends it still scared me. I got tossed about like I was an object then, had an argument with someone I didn’t even know very well. This hurt me so much and even though people have experienced far, far worse this felt like the worst my life was ever going to get. My days consisted of me going to school, being sad at school then coming home and crying.

A lot of the feelings and emotions I was feeling where in my head, where the fault of my anxiety, however I told no one, I told no one that I was feeling on verges of self-harm and suicide. I would have never done either, I know that know, but I my anxiety did think about it. It’s a scary thought that I really don’t like to think about because it scares me. It scares me almost as much as my anxiety does.

Anxiety is something human and I already feel better sharing this so, so much better. There is only one way we can heal anxiety quicker, because tablets, drugs, and cream won’t help us. Only talking about it will, if everyone talks about it our world could start to become normally, the world that I and so many see.

Thank you, for reading this far, if you have, but an even bigger thank you to Jacksgap for being the inspiration for this post, you helped me come back to this unfinished post from 2 months ago and finish it and for that I can’t thank you enough.

Octavia xxx

 this photo is calmness in a photo